13 Co-Parenting Tips for Separated or Divorced Parents
Co-parenting is when separated or divorced parents work together to raise their children despite no longer being in a romantic relationship. It focuses on creating a stable, supportive environment conducive to your child's healthy growth and development. When done well, it can improve emotional stability, create a sense of security, and improve social and academic outcomes. However, while it's great for children, it's not always easy for adults. To help, we've put together 14 tips on how to co-parent successfully.
13 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting
Almost all of the tips will have one core message: co-parent with your child's best interests at heart. This isn't always easy, but it's important. To help, use the following tips as your guide to co-parenting with an ex.
1. Learn How to Deal with Difficult Feelings
Maintaining a personal relationship with your ex can be extremely difficult, especially if the split wasn't amicable. Feelings of anger, sadness, resentment, or other negative emotions are normal, but there's a time and a place to show them. You're going to need to learn how to manage co-parenting arrangements without weaponizing your child. Don't threaten to limit contact or take away their parenting time. Doing so will only make your children feel resentful over the years. Instead, try to treat each other with respect and always adhere to the parenting schedule unless changes have been made in advance and agreed upon.
2. Always Make Your Child the Focal Point
Following a divorce or separation, it's important to remember what's best for your child. While you'll likely want to spend as much time with them as possible, children need a good relationship with both parents. Co-parenting means putting your feelings aside so children feel safe, loved, and secure in their relationships. So, while you might struggle with some of the scheduling or compromises, remember that the needs of your children come before yours. If you're struggling with these changes, try spending more time with friends or family so you're not alone when your child is away.
3. Improve Communication With Your Ex
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a strong co-parenting relationship. You need to be able to talk to each other about plans, school, and schedules. Try to maintain open communication and keep each other updated with important changes or events related to your child. Some apps are available to help you share your calendar, children's weekly schedule, and any upcoming school-related events or sports games.
4. Don't Use Your Children as Messengers
Children should never be responsible for relaying messages between you and your ex. You need to take responsibility for communicating with your ex. If you can't seem to do that, consider seeing a family therapist specializing in co-parenting tips for divorced parents. Your child shouldn't be the one who feels like they're holding everything together, so don't make them feel like they're caught in the middle.
Similarly, don't speak poorly or negatively about your ex in front of your children. They love both of their parents and as they get older, they will gain a more realistic view of the situation. If your ex is a bad person, your child may come to that realization on their own, but you shouldn't make them feel bad or guilty for wanting to spend time with both of their parents. When you need to vent about a difficult ex, make sure it's with a friend when you're not with your child.
5. Resolve Disagreements Away From Your Children
When you're co-parenting, you're bound to have disagreements and some conflict. This is even more likely if the separation wasn't amicable. Still, whenever there's something that you don't agree on, it's essential to handle the conflict away from your child. Research shows that separation or divorce is most difficult and damaging for children when they're in the middle of conflict. It can lead to social and emotional developmental challenges and have long-lasting effects. So, as difficult as it might be, any co-parenting challenges need to be tackled out of sight and out of earshot of your kids.
6. Make Important Decisions Together
Important decisions, such as those related to your child's education, healthcare, and religious upbringing, should be made with your ex. You both have the right and responsibility to weigh in on these matters; although it can be difficult, they need to be determined together.
7. Plan for Events and Holidays
Holidays can be one of the most difficult parts of shared parenting, as both parents naturally want to spend special occasions with their children. To avoid conflicts and ensure a smooth experience for your child, plan holiday schedules well in advance and communicate openly about your expectations. It may be helpful to alternate holidays each year or find ways to split the day so that both parents can share in the celebrations. If you're spending the holidays alone, plan activities for yourself and focus on positive aspects to minimize feelings of loneliness or sadness.
8. Try to Be Flexible
Even if you set up a schedule, things can change at the last minute. Maybe your co-parent is late for pick-up or asks to rearrange days to accommodate a work-related event. Although it can be frustrating, flexibility with them can go a long way. The more accommodating you are, the more likely they are to be flexible to changes in your schedule.
9. Understand How Parenting Styles Change
Everyone has a different parenting style when it comes to raising children. Although you and your ex-partner may have been on the same page when you were together, separated parents tend to alter how they raise their children slightly. While you have no control over how your ex will raise your child when they're together, you can make distinctions between your preferred parenting style and a focus on what's best for the children. For example, rather than saying you don't want your child to eat sugar, you could remind them of how too much sugar affects their health. The most important thing is ensuring children feel secure in both relationships. So, unless the parenting style is authoritarian and causing harm, try to be more open to the differences.
10. Aim to Be Consistent Co-Parents
Another key to successful co-parenting is consistency, regardless of who has custody for the day. For example, keep a consistent bedtime regardless of who has custody for the day. This will help your child maintain their routine, which can decrease the likelihood of any anxiety or depression surrounding the separation. Remember, you're working together to give your child the best lifestyle possible with these changes, so don't change things up to try and frame yourself as the "cool" parent without rules.
11. Set Boundaries With New Partners
At some point, you or your ex may start dating other people. Ideally, it's best to have a conversation with your ex before anything becomes serious, as waiting could lead to decisions made out of resentment or anger. Consider talking about "what if" scenarios and what role a new partner would have in your child's life. Although you'll likely want to avoid introducing anyone who's just a fling, where would a committed new partner fit in your child's life? Discussing this in advance can help ensure everyone involved is on the same page.
12. Help Make it Easy for Your Child
Transitioning between two households can be stressful for children, so do your best to make it as smooth as possible. Keep consistent routines in both homes, and ensure your child has what they need in both places, such as clothes, toys, and school supplies. When it's time for pick-up, get things ready for them to help reduce the stress of moving between parents.
13. You Don't Have to Be Friends... but Try to Forgive
Over the years, being a co-parent with your ex will get easier. Healing after a relationship takes time, but forgiving your ex can help strengthen the family unit and do wonders for your children's well-being. It can also be quite healing for some individuals. Some co-parents even become good friends, but it's definitely not required. If you can't forgive or forget, just continue to put your children's best interests at the forefront of your decisions.
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